CHASTITY, LOVE, AND LUST

Some people will wait until marriage before having intimate relationships, but in the meantime, they will do everything else, meaning, not being completely chaste with the person they plan to marry. However, besides the fact that they will likely be breaking the sixth commandment, this choice maybe preventing us from realizing whether it is true love or not. True love and chastity actually go hand in hand. Often, physical "closeness" which is very strong, is mistaken for true love. Lust does draw two people together and the strong passion that evolves from it makes it hard to see if we truly love someone and truly want to sacrifice oneself for another. We all want to be loved, but I know many people who stay or jump in/out of a compromised situation so they are not lonely and do not feel pain. However being chaste will help us find true love.

When we are in love, we like to please the object of our affections. Some girls think that if we give a guy all he wants, he will love her. That is not so. True love demands a pure heart and intention. If we really love someone, we will do what is best for that person and not lead another and oneself into sin. So we must and should refuse intimacy until marriage following God's commandment and thus showing we truly care about the person we are interested in. It will build a better ground for future marriage whether it is this person or someone else. I remember a guy telling me that he loved me more because I refused to let him get too close. When one gets very close to another of the opposite sex, many a time it does eventually lead to sex and then it is too late. Often, doing everything except the marriage act often leads to boredom down the road and interest fades as soon there is nothing left to do and they forget to learn about the other person and enjoy that person as a person and grow in true love together. Also, one get sexually frustrated when all one is focused on is to do everything but sex and nothing up to it is satisfying oneself. When one does not follow the guidelines of purity, a feeling of guilt and remorse often ensues and the relationship often does not last or is miserable in the future because it was mainly based on feelings and pleasure.

When we have a crush on someone, we are normally blind to their faults or we refuse to see them when they are pointed out to us. The same is true with physical intimacy. We don't see the person; just see the pleasure in front of us. So it is very good to take a step back and look at the whole package. When we are out of a situation, we can easily look back and see how clean the experience was. Sometimes we stay in a relationship because we don't want the pain of loss or lose a person in our life.

Finally, true love is sacrificial love, not selfish. It is pure and considerate. It put's God and His laws first. It is also considerate of the other person, and helps the right two people to get together. It brings true happiness, unselfish. It also brings joy and peace.

Let's ask the Holy Family, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, to help us remain chaste and guarded in our quest for a future spouse!

WHAT KIND OF WOMEN DO MEN WANT?

That's a very good question many women will want to know and at times ask themselves when they are rejected. Every guy wants the perfect girl, often times that mean a girl that is not tainted or that has been with few men. Yet some don't mind messing with an easy girl, just as long as they have decided they have no plans to marry that girl. Guys often want a girl that is hard to get, as they like the challenge; a girl that is easy gets boring after awhile and they seem look elsewhere for a new pursuit. There are guys who try to sleep with as many girls as they can just for fun, and can boast about for the future (I am sure most girls don't want to end with a guy like that.)Some guys may think that it is a turn-off if a girl is still a virgin in her early adulthood. But a girl's virginity shows a lot of beauty in a girl, just like purity. Some people are either blind to beauty like that or just don't realize how precious a gift it is. In the traditional Catholic world, it is strongly encouraged and preached on as well as described. Purity of heart is also a great characteristic. True beauty is not skin deep, but stems from the inner soul. Virginity can only be given away once, so give to the one person you want to spend your life with.

A guy who is serious in looking for that special girl will look more at one who is pure and not desperate. He will admire one who knows what she wants and is willing to wait for the right guy. A guy wants a girl who is focused and not too emotional. He wants a girl who doesn't let her heart direct her or throws herself at a guy. Remember, we also want to marry someone we can get along with, not someone who has "experience". We want to give ourselves in marriage as unwrapped gifts to our spouses, not one opened or "recycled". Our spouses will appreciate this a lot more as it is more special when ones purity hasn't been tainted by others. There are usually problems after marriage if one partner has been with others. I read somewhere that with non virgin brides, the divorce rate is sixty percent.  A person who puts God first, has God on their side during their marriage life. We have the rest of our married life to get experienced in intimacy.

So if a guy doesn't choose you for a permanent partner, it may be for the best. That guy may not be the right fit for you. Yes we've heard that there are many fish in the sea. But in the traditional world, there aren't a lot of options. But it certainly is better not to be married than be married to the wrong guy. Let's be patient until the person we are meant to be with shows up!

PROPER MANNERS AND ATTITUDES IN DATING

How should we act when we see someone we are attracted to? Obviously, polite but let's see if this person is available first. Is she seeing someone else? If so, keep a good distance on friendly terms. Even if she is dating someone you are not impressed with, keep your cool and distance. Be a friend. If the person she is dating is unkind to her, you may tactfully say she deserves someone better as she is a special person, but only broach on this if it is wise and prudent. Some people, especially with women can take such advice the wrong way even though it was meant for her best interest.  A person should never try to "steal" another person's girlfriend/boyfriend. This is simply not charitable. You can only wait and see how it turns out, treat this person with kindness, and pray for what is best in God's eyes.

Now, let's look at our feelings towards others. What if you have feelings for someone who is unavailable, married or seeing other people? Is this a bad thing? Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean you feel God must want you to marry or go after that person. It is in our human nature to be attracted to beautiful or beauty. Even in marriage, we can run into someone we find beautiful and this is normal .The important thing here is what we do with those feelings, how are we going to react. If we are married, we do not leave our spouse, but rather thank God we are living the life he intended for us. Put your trust in God and be content. The grass is never greener on the other side; looks can be deceiving.

In dating, we are committed to one person. If we do not think it will lead to marriage, then it is best to part ways and look elsewhere. Hopefully it will not drag on forever. Some people know on the first date that it will last. Others need a little more time, but not normally years. Communication is very important. Trust is a must! With online dating sites, it is very important to give a clear picture of oneself; in fact it is good to literally have a picture on line (on a proper dating site such as this one) so you can find a better match. A picture can say a thousand words. I personally like books with pictures, as it helps with the imagination; so to on line. A person will stop at your site more quickly and read your profile when there is a picture to go with it.

Until next week.

To all my readers, thanks for the comments. To directly email me, my address is Melissa@tlmsingles.com

COMMITTED TO DATING

Have you ever known someone especially a married woman who was aware of her husband's affair but puts up with it to keep appearances and in hopes of not losing him? The guy's affair progresses and he loses all respect for his wife because she does not demand the respect and commitment in their marriage that is owed her. She is treated poorly because she allows it. She really needs to give her husband an ultimatum and not lose her dignity in this situation. Let him know she is aware of what is going on and if he prefers the other woman, let him go and if he can't decide she will make a decision to leave and not stand by and watch. Of course, you are also using the guidance of the priest!

So there is a very similar attitude while dating. It should be one hundred percent commitment or nothing. If either party wants to see other people, each should have the decency to tell the other and not play the "sneaking around" game. However, if a person has not committed to see another solely, he is not doing anything wrong. The other party may not like it, but this often happens when people say, "We are sort of seeing each other." Sounds pretty wishy washy, doesn't it? Two parties must talk and get their feeling out before dating exclusive or seeing others before someone gets hurt.

If a girl say," We have a thing, but he's not really my boyfriend," then there is no commitment. A good relationship is not "This thing we have."She may even go so far as to say, "I don't know if we are really dating.""We have this understanding." Sounds more like a future affair to me. It does not lead to marriage, but a never ending hope that doesn't get realized. A guy can drag a girl along "with hope." He can even get her "the promise ring" but an engagement never seems to surface. She assures herself," But I have this ring." Yes, that will keep you quite for awhile.

Well, back to commitment. If a girl is seeing this guy but he cannot decide if he likes her or this other girl but he still wants to keep the door open with you, then she should make the decision that he can only see her exclusively and not just as a good friend. Have some respect left for oneself. He needs to end whatever is going on with someone else and deserve you. I would, however, not take him back so easily. Make him work for it! If he hangs around long enough, he might be worth keeping around. Guys may feel it is not so bad if he hurts your feelings again because the door was always open when he walked thru it the last time. They need to knock first and then patiently wait for it to reopen. Trusting this guy may take awhile in coming. Anyone who breaks a commitment has a tendency to repeat. You don't know if it will happen again. I know it's hard when you like this guy so much; it's easy to overlook their indiscretions. The guy can say he's sorry all he wants and when she takes him back, it happens all over again. What a cycle! Honesty is so important in a relationship.

I know some girls that jump from guy to guy. That is no true relationship. Sounds more like a pattern. It may feel fun to be "in love", but not with any particular person they are with. She may just not want to be alone. I know a girl that the max in which she wasn't dating anyone was two weeks. If two people just broke up, use caution before dating the man/women; find out why they broke up as this can provide some insight on a person's character.

In summary, let's be serious and honest in dating. Let's be committed!

THE GOOD SHIP: COURTSHIP

A priest once gave me some guidelines with dating/courting .He says that you are on a journey, a voyage to be exact. Imagine being on a fabulous ship on a cruise. The ship's name: Courtship. This boat has three levels of different descriptions and designs. You can go back and forth from one level to the next by going up or down the steps. The different levels complement each other and can overlap.

 The first level is CLEAN. Here you may date someone who is free to date, which is not presently married to someone else or may have any vows of chastity from which a person has not yet been released. Both parties' intentions should be pure. Neither party should try to get intimately involved before marriage. Many young girls think that a physical relationship secures the guy. Unfortunately, when the physical in the relationship progresses and dominates, the emotional, social, and most importantly, the spiritual aspects suffer and fail to grow. Again, purity of heart.

The second level is CATHOLIC. The person you are dating should also be a Catholic. Having the same Catholic values helps one hundred percent in embarking down the important path of marriage on the road to heaven, because you are not alone but with your mate, and plants a firm basis for the children to come. You will be able to help each other and your family reaches the same goal: being forever to love, honors, and serve God in heaven.

 The third level is COURTEOUS. A guy needs to put the girl's concerns before one's own. A girl needs to respect guy's attempts to please her and allow him to be gentlemanly with her. Good manners are a must. If a guy is only interested in just getting intimate with a girl, he certainly is not planning on guarding her heart with his life. So if and when a guy gets just what he wants, boredom and emptiness follows as well as his attitude that he does seem to not know the girl or ignores her as if she does not exist. He may also put the blame on her and states it is her fault as she should have been the main one to prevent relationships from getting too close. The marital act is the result of total commitment, and not a way to keep a guy interested.

So why not take this journey and walk on board of each of the three floors of the Courtship. IT can prove to be very rewarding and help to avoid a lot of heartache. Let's ask Our Lady and Our Lord to help us in our endeavors.

Relationships

In a relationship, it is very important that this time in your life is openly seen, not hidden from immediate family, especially parents. Why should it be a secret? No one should encourage you even the person you are dating to suggest you should privately see each other. If he does this with you, he can also do this to you with someone else. Also, when things do get public your relationship may become boring as you are used to having fun in secret. Secret relationships now can lead to secret relationships when married as this used to be the norm or exciting when single.  If you hid something from your family, you most likely are not being honest with your family, yourself, perhaps even God. A good relationship is based on honesty and trust. It is helpful to have parents with past experiences as guides in a Christian relationship.

It's important that you find someone who likes you. Be positive, be confident, but realize our tastes can change over time. I remember really liking this one guy and a few years later thinking,"What did I see in him?" the Bible says,"Love is patient and is kind." Also, "Love bears all things, believes all things, and hopes all things. Love never ends." See Cor. 13^th by St. Paul for the whole text referring to charity /love. It is a beautiful chapter.

What about age? Is this a factor? It can be. I would say it depends on where the two people are in their lives. Maturity level is also a factor. A fifteen year old is probably finishing high school while a twenty-two year old is beginning his career. The girl may not have established if she has a vocation, let alone completed ten minutes of public speaking in English class, and should usually not even entertain marriage with all the responsibilities. A girl matures faster but normally hasn't grown up yet. What about the guy younger than the girl? Again, it still depends on maturity and where both are in their lives at the time as well as similar interests. Are we looking to get married? Hope so. This is an important factor.

Finally, let's make sure we keep an open and honest relationship under some guidance from parents and/or confessors and also seek the help of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. As well, we can also invoke the help of St. Anne with these words,"St. Anne, St. Anne, please help me find that right man (woman); not just any (woman) man will do."

                                                              Dating and Looking for Mr. Right

How am I going to find the right person? Where should I look and when is that going to happen? We really don't know when that will happen. Things like dating and marriage usually do not happen on schedule, like the so called five year plan. That may work with school or jobs but not with people. As for where to look, I have known people to look in bars and found someone, however this place is not the best place for meeting a good Catholic person. Sometimes we may think that we had just missed seeing that person. I believe a better train of thought at this point would be, if we are called to the marriage state by God, we should put some faith in God and give Him the free hand to place that person in our path in His good time. Patience is a virtue. Maybe God is waiting for us to put our confidence in Him and test our faith. This can make us stronger, for when we meet the right person, there will be bigger obstacles to face. So right now trust God. Be okay with your present status. No one wants a desperate person. We can look forward to marriage but daydreaming doesn't help God's kingdom nor does it help us enjoy our single life. I remember when I was single and my married friends would say that they wished they were me for a few hours or that they had enjoyed their single life either a bit longer or seen that it probably wasn't all that bad.

Of course I do not mean don't look at all or just sit at home and see if it just happens. Oh no. All these past thoughts are to convey the importance of being happy and loving God first before we can open ourselves to truly loving someone else. People find that special someone in college, occasionally in high school (St. Mary's can be the exception!) and ideally getting married after studies. I would find it hard to get married while I was doing exams or full time school as my time is divided but it has been done. I remember in nursing school how I was studying hard for an exam and my older sister who was as A-student going out the night before on a date because she could easily pass with minimal effort. It sure seemed unfair to me at the time. But looking back, I am glad I was free for school because I do not think I could have juggled both fully.

Now where to meet. The young adult gathering for traditional Catholics in Colorado is interesting for some. I personally think the location could be in different places so it can be a different experience for the same person the following year. The conferences the priests give are very good. Catholic reunions are good too. I hear there is a school reunion in St. Mary's in July. I understand it is open to all. A pilgrimage is also a good way to meet people that have similar interests and goals. Many people meet up with friends at ordinations, the yearly ordinations in Winona for example. Another benefit is there are lots of religious in Winona to give advice. Then of course on line are our two dating sites. I have friends who have met on line. It certainly makes us aware of the Catholics around the world. Did you know there are 199 million square miles on earth? I'm sure your soul mate is out there!

Finally, Saint Joseph feast was recently on March 19^th. Let us ask him to help us find that spouse.

Till next week. Melissa

DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

All men and women would like the right person to share their lives. One may join this site for that very reason. What do women want? This statement sound pretty familiar.  We deserve a man to will love purely and lead us to God. Weather He come first in the relationship would be really the first thing that comes to mind. Do not settle for anything less. But where can I find a guy like that? Many guys want different things, opposite things.

For Catholic men and especially women (correct me if I am wrong), we spend a lot of time worrying about finding "the one." Let's put that matter into God's hands first. Serve God well in your single life unreservedly. Being content and happy in your present situation is actually more attracting for a female. This will pave the way for a strong marriage down the road. St. Paul says, "I have learned, in whatever state I am, to be content." (Phil. 4:11). If you are not content now, there may be a time when you are married that you will wish you were single again. You as a person inside, married or not, do not change.

St. Therese of Lisieux is one of my favorite saints. She once said, "The happier they are to be as He wills the more perfect they are." We can apply this to our present situation. If we can learn to be happy where we are in life, we can learn to trust God‘s will to guide us in the right direction.

We all want the "good" person to be with. All the good characteristics we are looking for (kindness, sincere, respectful, considerate, faithful, Catholic and practicing) we are hopefully doing those ourselves as the opposite gender is likely doing the same. I remember praying for someone who hadn't been physically with someone else; I did get that person and more. It is good to set a high standard. You may not have a date every weekend, but you will send a message of being serious for love. Pray for the right person for you. God often send him when you least expect it.

Finally, let's not forget to ask Our Lady for her help in our endeavors.

Till next week. Melissa

Courtship and Dating

Dating nowadays is such a loose term and can mean different things depending on who you are talking to. I've read somewhere that the idea of spending time with a person of the opposite sex with the possibility of a lifelong commitment has been around for the last century. It doesn't look like people dated in the Old Testament; more likely it was arranged. My grandparents on my mother's side were arranged. She was 16-17 and he was 18.They didn't know each other. From what I understand it was for survival reasons. It lasted and they had eight children together. From this example, I think it is healthy for parents to have some imput in who your future mate could be. (Hey, they were there once). But not everyone has that luxury.

Dating involves being with a person of the opposite gender with whom you have an interest  with over a period of time .Some people date for the sake of dating with no goal in mind, in and out of relationships, like buying and returning new clothes with no intent of keeping it no matter how well worn you use it. A Catholic form of dating involves courtship. You go out with someone with the intent of minding a mate for life. This is prep for marriage. How you spend your time before marriage often mirrors the way you'll be after you tie the knot.

Okay, courtship.  First of all, we should make sure it is God's will to be with that certain person. Jesus and Mary should be at the top of our game here.    You may say "My, this is getting serious."  Of course I am. This is going to be an important step in your life and if you are not serious about it or committed, don't date or be courted. Next, have someone that can guide you in your relationship, preferably of the same gender. Even a priest can give you some pointers. I remember asking a priest for advice in the confessional. Looking back, he was always right. There is a Proverbs saying which I feel drives home my point: "Without counsel plans go wrong, but with many advisers they succeed." Thirdly, spend time with this person doing activities, games, and visiting with family and close friends. This way you will see how he/she reacts to others or in a situation; is it pleasing to you? Are you finding out who this person really is? There is plenty of time later to stare in into each others' eyes and dream away reality.

Finally, ask God's blessing from the start. Be accountable for your actions. And as always, ask Jesus and Mary to guide you.